Peeing standing up

Pissing Powdered Golden Calf (Exodus 32:20)

We know the outline of the story: YHWH brought the Hebrews out of slavery in Egypt, across the Red(Reed) Sea, away from Pharaoh and toward the Promised Land. Moses goes up the mountain to receive the Torah from YHWH, but the people freak out, think he might be dead, and convince Aaron to make them the golden calf.

YHWH tells Moses that the people are acting the fool. Moses travels back down the mountain, freaks out, breaks the Ten Commandments, and begins his punishment of the people, which ends in the death of those who ultimately say, "screw YHWH, we want our calf back!" (And good riddance to them, am I right? *cough*)

But there is one scene in the story that often is missed, at least we didn't notice it for a long time.

"When Moses approached the camp and saw the calf and the dancing, his anger burned and he threw the tablets out of his hands, breaking them to pieces at the foot of the mountain. And he took the calf the people had made and burned it in the fire; then he ground it to powder, scattered it on the water and made the Israelites drink it." (Exodus 32:19-20)

He made them drink the golden calf.

How pissed off is Moses right now? And how clever? Think about it, Moses said, in essence:

"You want to want a bull to worship? A being created like we are? A copy of an animal we slaughter and eat? Really? That's what you want? That's how you roll? Fine. Then let's treat this like a real bovine: we're going to cook it and you're going to consume it!"

Lesson: Moses has the type of creativity you don't want to get on the wrong side of.

But what do we know: we made this successfully funded game (THANKS!) and you probably think we're going to Hell.

The Adoration of the Golden Calf - Nicolas Poussin

The Adoration of the Golden Calf - Nicolas Poussin

*Note: Know that we are aware of the scholarship questioning why Moses was upset with the Hebrews over the golden calf in the first place: the discussions of Canaanite (El) and Egyptian use of the bull as divinity, the bovine as YHWH's footstool, Aaron seeming to identify the golden calf with YHWH (Ex 32:4-5) [etc.], but that is a Card Talk for another time.

Killing everyone who pisses against a wall (1 Samuel 25:22)

David: the "man after God's own heart."

We don't have the time to fully deconstruct the character of David: shepherd turned solider turned mercenary turned king turned sad-old-man; singer/songwriter, murderer/adulterer, protector of strangers and killer of multiple close friends [we've got a card for that too!]. He's a complicated man.

So when in 1 Samuel 25:22 he vows to kill "everyone who pisses against a wall" — i.e. all the boys/men (unless there are some girls/women who have perfected a particular method of squatting and spraying for effect) — one shouldn't be too surprised; he is as he should always be remembered, how he is often forgotten: a hotheaded, former country bumpkin, with an army at his back. David is a military strategist and fine ruler of men, but he is also a product of a disproportionate-revenge tribal culture, who acts like a spoiled brat at times. We should not be surprised he wants to kill all the males in a household (family and servants) because he encountered another selfish hothead named Nabal.

In context David gave protection to Nabal's men while they were taking care of Nabal's flocks in the field — David didn't harm them (as he had the power to), nor let harm come to them from the outside (which he could have) — and now expects to be rewarded by Nabal for the aid given. But Nabal tells David where he can stick his good deeds, arousing David's mighty spear.

David forgets that rewards are not guaranteed for doing good deeds. Besides, wouldn't "a man after God's own heart" believe in altruism and doing good because that's simply what the LORD requires?

Oh David, you cared for those weaker than you, so they would not be harmed by those stronger. But when rebuffed for you kindness your gut response is to harm those same men you protected (all "wall-pissers"); you would slaughter them, acting worse than the invaders you sought to deter days before?

Thankfully there's a woman in the story; someone who doesn't piss against a wall is needed to drain the ocean of testosterone fueled stupidity on which the story floats.

Perhaps it helps that she's beautiful.

Or perhaps it's the fact that she's clearly smarter than the males, not weighed down by the extra appendage.

A woman after God's own heart brings peace to the squabbling children arguing over whose is bigger.

But what do we know: we made this game and you probably think we're going to hell.