1 Samuel 25:22

Killing everyone who pisses against a wall (1 Samuel 25:22)

David: the "man after God's own heart."

We don't have the time to fully deconstruct the character of David: shepherd turned solider turned mercenary turned king turned sad-old-man; singer/songwriter, murderer/adulterer, protector of strangers and killer of multiple close friends [we've got a card for that too!]. He's a complicated man.

So when in 1 Samuel 25:22 he vows to kill "everyone who pisses against a wall" — i.e. all the boys/men (unless there are some girls/women who have perfected a particular method of squatting and spraying for effect) — one shouldn't be too surprised; he is as he should always be remembered, how he is often forgotten: a hotheaded, former country bumpkin, with an army at his back. David is a military strategist and fine ruler of men, but he is also a product of a disproportionate-revenge tribal culture, who acts like a spoiled brat at times. We should not be surprised he wants to kill all the males in a household (family and servants) because he encountered another selfish hothead named Nabal.

In context David gave protection to Nabal's men while they were taking care of Nabal's flocks in the field — David didn't harm them (as he had the power to), nor let harm come to them from the outside (which he could have) — and now expects to be rewarded by Nabal for the aid given. But Nabal tells David where he can stick his good deeds, arousing David's mighty spear.

David forgets that rewards are not guaranteed for doing good deeds. Besides, wouldn't "a man after God's own heart" believe in altruism and doing good because that's simply what the LORD requires?

Oh David, you cared for those weaker than you, so they would not be harmed by those stronger. But when rebuffed for you kindness your gut response is to harm those same men you protected (all "wall-pissers"); you would slaughter them, acting worse than the invaders you sought to deter days before?

Thankfully there's a woman in the story; someone who doesn't piss against a wall is needed to drain the ocean of testosterone fueled stupidity on which the story floats.

Perhaps it helps that she's beautiful.

Or perhaps it's the fact that she's clearly smarter than the males, not weighed down by the extra appendage.

A woman after God's own heart brings peace to the squabbling children arguing over whose is bigger.

But what do we know: we made this game and you probably think we're going to hell.