Previously we wrote a humorous comparison between the foul mouthed Apostle to the gentiles and the GOP candidate for pussy grab...errr president. Now, we're looking into the lives of King Solomon and the Orange Wonder.
Though our archaeological digging has been unearthing and archiving all the musings of OldTestamentTrump elsewhere, this topic seems to deserve its own page.
"I really understand beauty and I will tell you Esther is not. I own the Miss Persia & Miss Mesopotamia pageants. I do understand beauty."
"It really doesn’t matter what the scribes write as long as you’ve got a young & beautiful and sturdy piece of ass."
On the rape of Dinah: “I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait.”
On the rape of Tamar: “Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”
On the rape of the un-named woman in Judges: “And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything.”
On the rape of Bathsheba: “I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there. I’ll admit it. I did try and fuck her. She was married.”
In his second public debate:
Levite moderator: Trump Ben-Fred, did you rape Dinah?
“You know, in a world where Assyrians are chopping off head, & Egyptians are drowning babies in the Nile, where there are wars and rumors of war, and the Philistines are encroaching on our western shores. I tell you. I will be the next David, you better believe it. “
Levite moderator: The question was did you rape Dinah?
Sadly, more to come, we're sure.
"...the following missive proving how Donald J. Trump of New York, the Republican nominee for President of these United States has taken up the prophetic and apostolic mantle of Saint Paul, formerly of Tarsus, one of the chief architects of this nation’s greatest religion (after self-obsession)."
When everything seems— when everything is— completely and utterly broken, the righteous continue to love while just barely keeping their shit together.
Note: This is a revision of something We posted on our old blog over two years ago. We felt it was time to dust it off. Strap in.
Notice the above graphic/website and its title. Click. Surf around. Spend some time on it and then come back.
Let us first say, we love this on many levels. It’s smart, it’s creative, it’s colorful, it’s providing a good service. We just wish it wasn’t so wrong. So damned-by-God wrong. All over the place. Wrong.
Beyond understandable ignorance, things that most people don’t learn and have no reason to learn outside of a serious Bible study, seminary, or a level of theological/biblical neridty boarding on psychosis (welcome to our world), there are other things that are just dumb: things a thinking person would question as being odd in the presentation.
But to be clear we are talking to and about Christians reading this, as much, if not more so than the creators of the site. We fear most Bible reading Christians make the EXACT SAME mistakes when interacting with the Bible that the creators of all this interactive awesomeness. In some ways we respect the Skeptics more than the Christians as a result. They have an excuse.
Below we outline a handful of these mistakes made by both groups— Bible skeptics and Christians we want to kick— in the hopes that someone, somewhere, will stop making them. These are arranged by category but in no real order.
- We shouldn’t even have to say this. The books in the Bible weren’t all written at the same time, by the same human hand, regardless of what you think about Divine Inspiration. The order you read things in makes a difference. (Example: stop complaining about how people in Genesis broke the 10 Commandments when the 10 Commandments didn’t exist yet.)
Words have meaning
(“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means”)
- Just because an English word is used in the Bible doesn’t mean that the Hebrew (or Aramaic) in the Hebrew Bible, or the Greek in the New Testament mean the same thing at all. At all. AT ALL.
- Just because you read a word in English doesn’t mean it’s the same word in Hebrew/Greek every time it appears in that verse. Apply this to different chapters, books, sections, Testaments. [Repeat.] (Example: In Exodus, when talking about the “hardening” of Pharaoh’s heart, three (3) different Hebrew words are used for “hardened” throughout the narrative. The specific words, their order, and the surrounding context matters.)
- Just because it is in the Bible doesn’t mean that the Bible condones the action/idea. Saying something happened is not the same as saying people should do it. (Example: the Bible mentions suicide by hanging, sacrificing children to foreign gods, and pulling out of one’s sister-in-law during sex.)
- Just because an idea/action/situation/entity appears (in translation) in the Bible, does not mean that what is true in the 21st century was exactly how that things operated in the iron age of the Ancient Near East. (Example: “slavery” in Israel was nowhere even remotely the same as African slavery in the antebellum American South. Not one damn bit)
- Just because you are able to read one verse doesn’t mean much. Read the verse in context. Context includes the surrounding verses, the chapter, the section of the book, the whole book, the section of the Bible/type of literature. (Example: A psalm is not the same as a geneology; The Deuteronomistic History is not the same as the Gospels; The P-source is different than a pseudo-Pauline text. If you said, “what?” to any of those you’ve proved our point.)
- (This one sends us to Hell) Just because it says something in the New Testament, that doesn’t mean that the writers of the Hebrew Bible would have agreed with it. [What?] The New Testament contains specific commentary of the fledgling “Jesus movement,” who were either Jews trying to figure out their relationship with Judaism (“Are we a new sect or a new religion?”), or gentiles who were switching from some other religion. The writers of the NT are interpreting the Hebrew Bible: the writers of the Hebrew Bible wouldn’t agree with everything the NT writers said, and the NT writers don’t always agree with each other on specific passages (Example: Paul in Romans 4 and James in James 2 on Abraham’s binding of Isaac). Furthermore, you could disagree with the interpretation of a NT writer (Example: contra Hebrews 12, Esau wasn’t “immoral and godless,” he just made a stupid decision).
Some General Rules of Thumb
- Stop accepting what you learned in Sunday School as truth, especially if you haven’t actually read the passage you’re talking about in years, or ever.
- Stop thinking Moses, Jesus, and Paul spoke your version of idiomatic English.
- Stop trying to harmonize the Hebrew Bible with the New Testament on all issues: They are two collections of books, not two single texts to Venn Diagram.
- Stop trying to harmonize the Gospels: they don’t all say the same thing, and that’s on purpose.
- Stop trying to make the Bible a scientific textbook.
- Stop trying to make the Bible into your social justice textbook.
- Stop trying to make the Bible into your personal therapist.
- Stop trying to make the Bible into anything other than the Bible.
- Stop imposing your monochromatic picture of God on reality and then getting pissed off when the Bible disagrees with that overexposed nonsense. You did that. Not the Bible. Not God.
Again, there are examples on this site that do not have a simple, Google/Wikipedia/think-damnit answer, which scholars and people of faith have wrestled with for centuries. But honestly, the vast majority of the things on this page are not that difficult to deal with when the things above are considered.
Which brings us to our real point:
If as much time was spent researching the answers to these “contradictions” as was spent putting this awesome visual together, while we doubt anyone would be converted, the level of cynicism would ratchet down a notch, and a begrudging respect for the Bible might emerge.
But what do we know: we made this game, which you probably think is worse than the Skeptic’s website, thus we’re all going to Hell.